At cliffs end.

I'm tired..I'm disappointed..I didn't know loving silently could hurt so insanely..
Been trying so hard but like they said you need two hands to clap..and its only me who is trying to clap us back together.. He doesn't seem like he is a wee bit interested in that thought..the fact that he made it clear before that I'm not in his future..
Every time I feel so helpless gasping for his attention when in fact I don't really need to. I don't understand why do I crave for his love so much either. Was it cause he made me feel so utterly special and I haven't felt that way for so long after meeting countless jerks?

Well I gave it my best.. I tried keeping conversations alive though he doesn't respond to me like how he used to when we first met or how he responds to his friends even if they make a statement that he couldn't really reply to but he did anyways..is it just me? but why only me? devastating..

I realised when a man doesn't love u anymore they just don't give a damn at all..and they always show the obvious signs that they're not interested.. but at that time when they want you they would do just anything to melt your heart..and girls being girls..will just fall for it again and again thinking this guy would be different..unfortunately not.. how sour and pain my chest feels..like a heartburn..I'm tired...finally...and I finally told myself...after 22March, that would be the end of me trying..
That gift would be the last one, that card would be the last one...not because I don't love him anymore..but I just don't want to feel that pain anymore..and its so tiring loving someone who doesn't give a shit about you..though the memories and the love will always stay in my heart..

All I can say is I've tried my best and he still didn't respond..not even the slightest feeling of being moved or touched...he doesn't even try back..so it's not just about his exams.. he can neglect studying to go out with his friend (a girl i don't like..she gives me bad vibes) but he can't neglect his studies to Skype or talk to me..he can fly to Prague for her birthday but not do anything for me...not even a single postage..so thats my cue to give up.. shedding my tears over someone who doesn't care has to stop.. I have to respect myself and love myself more..I can't let myself get hurt unnecessarily...this have to stop...

As reluctant as it feels to let go, its time...the love and memories will always have a place in my heart..but its time to really move on...its obvious nothing is going to happen with him and I have to face reality.. I don't think I can even date anyone else anyways.. its really so sour that when I look at men I just feel turned off..not interested in dating anyone...I just can't let anyone into my fragile heart again...not now at least...thats how insanely in love I am with this man and he just threw the feelings he had with me before away like paper trash...

Gosh how I miss flying when I can just fly away and forget about all the shit and clear my head off..
Thats a perk of being a trolly dolly I guess.. you have the privilege to run away.. and I can't wait for the day until my wings are back...so what if he doesn't see a future with me nor does he see my ambitious passion..I'll prove it one day..I'll be wearing that red hat with no worries in the world travelling to the most amazing places I have yet to discover..I'm going to be glamorous and gorgeous...and Smile to myself that in the end I don't need a man to make my life complete..The pain is so sour till I honestly don't see myself in a long term relationship anymore.. I'm Just going to live a happy life...have my own business.. enjoy the fanciest things in life :) Yes thats how it is going to be..and thats my aim now...

And as for the language I'm Learning..oh well just take it as an extra advantage who knows I might wanna go there and live..just to feel how it is like to live in an Europe country and experience a different lifestyle ;) Thats when the new adventure comes right? So its Dubai, Germany, then I'll decide if I would stay or settle back down in KL :) But I definitely wanna live the lush life! And this portion of my life now is just a pitstop.. things will get better Mel.. I know I'm an achiever and I will be there one day..just like 3 years ago when I sat at the airport staring at the planes telling myself one day I will fly for this company :) and eventually I've made it this far..

Looking forward for whats to come! xx

Dying feelings

My phone chime rings, excited I press the unlock button to see who it is but it wasn't you...

Lately things have been so different.. I hope its because of his exams..
We haven't been talking much which worries me to the core..
How am I going to continue to silently love him when he doesn't even give me attention anymore..
How am I going to know what he does or if he misses me or if he started seeing someone else?
I guess his feelings are faded and mine are just numb like i just got an anesthetic shot..

I'm gonna miss him sending me random suit pictures whenever he dresses up..asking me to pick a tie for him as though my opinion matters.. Thinking about it saddens me how all of this is finally going to end..He's finally not interested anymore..bummer.. who's going to motivate me in german lessons when my biggest motivation has always been you..sigh..

Well the good thing is as time passes I'll be able to let go too..might take ages but it'll come.. I got a job working in a hotel so I can get things off my mind at the moment...

But all these thoughts are just me overly thinking as usual!
I really hope its just because of his exams that he is not really chatting much with me..
Keeping my fingers crossed!!