How it begin again

So funny thing is beginning of this year I vowed to be single for the rest of the year and a friend of mine made a bet that I wouldn't last a year at all.. In fact I was so confident I would be single until July 13th came.. 13? Suppose to be an unlucky number but seems like a good thing has happened! My self conscience is questioning it.. 

That was the day I met this charming Caucasian.. funny how we met.. Let's rewind time back to few months before that date..I was working in a hotel and he was a guest staying there.. I flirted obviously but he didn't respond.. behind the scenes he did wanna respond but was unsure if I was just being nice cause he was a guest.. anyways long story cut short he checked out early.. I finished my shift early so I didn't get to see him for the last time.. that was it.. didn't get his number etc. Few months passed.. I was on my way back to kl from Singapore after failing interviews again with my friend.. upon checking in to my flight back, bump into two blokes.. they seemed rather familiar but it just didn't ring a bell.. was really stunned to see them.. I had this really weird feeling like I was somehow glad to see the cute guy again..eye contact made and one of them greeted me! Seems like he remembered me clearly.. made small talk back.. and suddenly I remembered they were the hotel guests! It was amazing to see them again and I couldn't stop smiling knowing we are on the same flight back! But I was trying to play it cool and classy so we talked for a bit n went our separate ways.. What's odd was I kept bumping into them at the airport.. those who had travelled to sg before would know changi is a huge airport and its impossible to keep running into each other! The only possible time to see him is if we were waiting to board at the gate.. but I bump into him at one  of the other ten smoking rooms available ..what are the odds.. and again sparks lighted up as I  talk to him.. but sadly we still did not exchange numbers and I was beginning to think that it was just me being interested in him.. 

So flew back to KL and upon arrival, each of us got down the plane; went our separate ways.. I thought I won't see him again.. but there he was lining up to clear immigration.. just cracked a joke with him n went straight to the locals lane and cleared immigration way faster then he did.. I tried to buy time so I did some shopping hoping he would be out but it took way longer then expected.. I regretted not asking him for his number.. so I decided to wait.. waited for 30mins and I still didn't see him.. so I gave up.. went to get a boost juice after all the disappointment.. and guess who I saw!! It was them!! His friend greeted me again as the cute guy is really shy and he didn't talk much unless he was alone with me.. I was delighted to see them.. but sadly I couldn't join them for drinks as my dad was already waiting for me.. he didn't ask for my number either and I didn't dare to ask too.. so I went back feeling disappointed.. like oh well.. better luck next time! 

I didn't wanna give up.. I knew he was staying in Malaysia for 3days! So since I was on tinder I figured most ang mohs are always on tinder right? So I tried my luck and swiped for 3days straight! I almost gave up.. and there he was! Gosh you should've seen the smile on my face.. swiped right immediately!! I was so nervous while waiting for him to swipe me back.. the moment he texted me it was the best day ever! I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling and I was so excited to see him! On the 13th of July after german lessons, went to meet up with him.. it was a great night and things escalated up till today.. 

So what I found out after seeing him for few weeks was .. he looked for me after he checked out of the hotel on Facebook but he couldn't find me.. I super private my profile it's really hard to look for me at all.. and he told me that after we spoke at boost juice at the airport he went out to look for me for a ciggerate but I already went home then.. and lastly he downloaded tinder to try his luck hoping I was on it too!! It was really sweet knowing he'd go all the way out looking for me.. so I'm grateful for this unexpected meeting with this charming bloke.. first ever Caucasian I'm dating that wasn't someone I met blindly on tinder.. for now we're taking it really slow.. so far everything has been good besides the fact that he travels a lot and he barely has time for me cause of work.. his lack of use for mobile phones annoys me too cause he's not really a good texter and always leaves me hanging in text messages or he totally just disappears for few days before getting back to me...but it's alright.. I am whining but I'm still grateful to be with him as long as his heart is solely mine.. no relationship is perfect anyways 😁

Sigh I just hope history wouldn't repeat itself again.. I am praying hard this man wouldn't go behind my back doing hurtful things like my ex's did.. I'm not expecting much from him either.. all I want is honesty and loyalty .. gifts etc is not important at all.. I just want a serious n real man who will love me for who I am and not get bored of me so quickly.. my biggest fear is for history to repeat itself.. honestly up till today the fear just lingers in me.. praying hard everyday that this man is sincere.. I honestly don't dare to even have a thought about us in the future cause I'm so worried everytime I think that this rship will last it just doesn't.. so this time I'm taking it one day at a time.. trying not to expect anything out of this.. let's see how far this rship can go.. will it make it to a year? I'll scream hallelujah even if we just last for a year.. Counting down to 7more months before it reaches to a year!!

Oh gosh it's so freaking scary!! Dear god pls give me the guts to go through this! Because of my bad experiences I have become clingy and anxious over every little thing.. don't let this ruin what's best in my life now.. fingers crossed! 

Will update you guys soon! Xx 

Just Friends

So it happened sooner than expected..
We became friends..yes..just normal friends and I really didn't expect it to happen so quick..hmm
I guess I just got tired of trying and in return I don't get any results which puts out the fire in me day by day..
Till today I still wished something would've happen..still wished he'd change his mind..but it got worst..in fact he's moving on pretty smoothly with no regrets it seems.. Adding more friends on snapchat which I can guess is definitely girls..who he's interested or vice versa.. I no longer feel special in his life anymore.. which made me realise it is really over now and there is no turning back..me not moving on is just like the remora species sucking onto a shark or a turtle..and its pretty exhausting for me.. I guess the people who comes into your life for a certain period of time are here to teach you lessons..some people are just part of the chapter of your book of life, for you to learn a lesson and move forward to the next chapter with a stronger mindset. Its a shame things didn't work out but I keep reminding myself, things happen for a reason and those who are meant to be in your life will eventually stick around.. If I really mattered and he really cares.. a person would make the effort to do so..not just sit around cause if you don't fight for your goals or dreams, nothing will come your way..nothing good comes easy thats for sure and relationships are definitely a battle..and in this relationship I lost the battle as and when he lost his interest in me..

So Thank god I have a job to keep myself busy and my mind away from overthinking..I can care less by just focusing on my job..Staying back doing extra shifts rather than going home to sulk..and by the time I'm home I just knock out in bed.. It may seem bad but for the heartbroken babies out there, here's a little tip for you! Keep yourself busy, whether with work or hanging out with friends..just do something.. Its really bad to stay home all alone.. just makes you depressed. I know for a fact that recently a friend of mine who got her heartbroken by some jerk over dose herself with pills and ended up in the hospital due to over thinking. Sometimes the pain is just so bad that its hard to take it all in and when you want it all to just end..you do the stupidest things.. I just wish the other party would know exactly how the pain feels cause if you have never experienced the pain before you will never know how to appreciate the love a person renders to you. Or well if you had experience such pain but still decide to hurt a person then hey,  you're just a heartless piece of shit.

I am just grateful that this relationship wasn't like the previous ones I had.. Those were way nastier.. This was a little bit bad but bearable at least or maybe I just grew stronger from the bad experiences I had. Either way.. I'm grateful I can handle my feelings better than before. Though it still hurts, I still am curious everyday of his whereabout or what he's up to but I stop myself from asking and I just block those poisonous thoughts out from my mind..soon my heart gets numb and I guess the feelings will just die out anyways.. Just takes time! Its a long and hard process but I know I'll be able to go through it just like any other relationships and when the time comes I know I'll be able to look back and smile to the wonderful memories we had together and face front to continue my journey again..

Ending my thoughts here today..
until then! CIAO! xx

At cliffs end.

I'm tired..I'm disappointed..I didn't know loving silently could hurt so insanely..
Been trying so hard but like they said you need two hands to clap..and its only me who is trying to clap us back together.. He doesn't seem like he is a wee bit interested in that thought..the fact that he made it clear before that I'm not in his future..
Every time I feel so helpless gasping for his attention when in fact I don't really need to. I don't understand why do I crave for his love so much either. Was it cause he made me feel so utterly special and I haven't felt that way for so long after meeting countless jerks?

Well I gave it my best.. I tried keeping conversations alive though he doesn't respond to me like how he used to when we first met or how he responds to his friends even if they make a statement that he couldn't really reply to but he did anyways..is it just me? but why only me? devastating..

I realised when a man doesn't love u anymore they just don't give a damn at all..and they always show the obvious signs that they're not interested.. but at that time when they want you they would do just anything to melt your heart..and girls being girls..will just fall for it again and again thinking this guy would be different..unfortunately not.. how sour and pain my chest feels..like a heartburn..I'm tired...finally...and I finally told myself...after 22March, that would be the end of me trying..
That gift would be the last one, that card would be the last one...not because I don't love him anymore..but I just don't want to feel that pain anymore..and its so tiring loving someone who doesn't give a shit about you..though the memories and the love will always stay in my heart..

All I can say is I've tried my best and he still didn't respond..not even the slightest feeling of being moved or touched...he doesn't even try back..so it's not just about his exams.. he can neglect studying to go out with his friend (a girl i don't like..she gives me bad vibes) but he can't neglect his studies to Skype or talk to me..he can fly to Prague for her birthday but not do anything for me...not even a single postage..so thats my cue to give up.. shedding my tears over someone who doesn't care has to stop.. I have to respect myself and love myself more..I can't let myself get hurt unnecessarily...this have to stop...

As reluctant as it feels to let go, its time...the love and memories will always have a place in my heart..but its time to really move on...its obvious nothing is going to happen with him and I have to face reality.. I don't think I can even date anyone else anyways.. its really so sour that when I look at men I just feel turned off..not interested in dating anyone...I just can't let anyone into my fragile heart again...not now at least...thats how insanely in love I am with this man and he just threw the feelings he had with me before away like paper trash...

Gosh how I miss flying when I can just fly away and forget about all the shit and clear my head off..
Thats a perk of being a trolly dolly I guess.. you have the privilege to run away.. and I can't wait for the day until my wings are back...so what if he doesn't see a future with me nor does he see my ambitious passion..I'll prove it one day..I'll be wearing that red hat with no worries in the world travelling to the most amazing places I have yet to discover..I'm going to be glamorous and gorgeous...and Smile to myself that in the end I don't need a man to make my life complete..The pain is so sour till I honestly don't see myself in a long term relationship anymore.. I'm Just going to live a happy life...have my own business.. enjoy the fanciest things in life :) Yes thats how it is going to be..and thats my aim now...

And as for the language I'm Learning..oh well just take it as an extra advantage who knows I might wanna go there and live..just to feel how it is like to live in an Europe country and experience a different lifestyle ;) Thats when the new adventure comes right? So its Dubai, Germany, then I'll decide if I would stay or settle back down in KL :) But I definitely wanna live the lush life! And this portion of my life now is just a pitstop.. things will get better Mel.. I know I'm an achiever and I will be there one day..just like 3 years ago when I sat at the airport staring at the planes telling myself one day I will fly for this company :) and eventually I've made it this far..

Looking forward for whats to come! xx

Dying feelings

My phone chime rings, excited I press the unlock button to see who it is but it wasn't you...

Lately things have been so different.. I hope its because of his exams..
We haven't been talking much which worries me to the core..
How am I going to continue to silently love him when he doesn't even give me attention anymore..
How am I going to know what he does or if he misses me or if he started seeing someone else?
I guess his feelings are faded and mine are just numb like i just got an anesthetic shot..

I'm gonna miss him sending me random suit pictures whenever he dresses up..asking me to pick a tie for him as though my opinion matters.. Thinking about it saddens me how all of this is finally going to end..He's finally not interested anymore..bummer.. who's going to motivate me in german lessons when my biggest motivation has always been you..sigh..

Well the good thing is as time passes I'll be able to let go too..might take ages but it'll come.. I got a job working in a hotel so I can get things off my mind at the moment...

But all these thoughts are just me overly thinking as usual!
I really hope its just because of his exams that he is not really chatting much with me..
Keeping my fingers crossed!!

Never Give Up!

Nope, don't you dare!
Something my heart screams when my brain tells me to give up.

My recent encounter with a certain someone whom I have a serious crush on told me the reason he didn't fancy me. He said I wasn't ambitious enough..I always seem to be "going with the flow". I don't plan well. I don't have future goals. Basically I am walking on clouds just wishing that things will be okay and we will encounter the days as and when it comes. News flash! Doesn't mean I don't mention about my goals everyday meaning I don't have one. Doesn't mean I don't talk much about my goals and dreams to you so often meaning I'm not ambitious! I do have plans but I just like to remain silent! What a nasty thing for one to say to reject a girls love for him isn't it? I was shattered thinking this man don't deserve me. Doesn't blardy appreciates me as I am. No longer sees the passion and fire that lives in me just cause I lost my job and I'm hanging by a thread at the moment. This bastard forgot what he saw in me on the few first weeks when we first met on Tinder. Dude, you were the one heads over heels for me when I was ignoring your messages. Such a shame. People tend to just want to be in someone's life when it is all good, successful and glamorous. Selfish. What about the time when a certain someone is climbing up the ladder to success? Nobody wants to be there. People wants the easy way out all the time and not wanting to be apart of the climb. I really wonder is there a person in the world that would stand by you when you're at rock bottom, supports you and encourages you to aim for your dreams? Is there another Victoria Beckham out there for me if I was David Beckham? From nothing to a huge success with relationship goals all girls dream of. Sigh.

For a naive being like me, when I have fallen for someone it takes me ages to let go. The fire in me burns brighter wanting me to keep going. Ironically this is how I suffer. Remaining positive thinking theres always a chance if you don't give up! It will come true if you keep on trying! It'll be worth it when the day comes. Even after he said such nasty remarks, I still hope for something to happen. Silly right?  But honestly, I'm crushed on the inside, feeling down (reason why I'm blogging), thinking of giving up, thinking about where I would be in the coming months? So while trying to keep my spirits up, here's what I wanna say to myself. Like that tattoo on my left pelvic says. NEVER GIVE UP.

I know and believe my goals in me. I know want I've always wanted in life. It may not seem like I am doing much but the passion in me is so strong. I know where I want to be in life and I will work for it. I won't give up and watch me! Watch me make it to the top! To work for one of the best airlines in history. To travel the globe! I'm just on the other side waiting for my time to rise and shine. That day will come I just know it. Others may not be able to see it or understand. But I never take my life lightly. I will never settle down for a job I don't like. Its all or nothing for me and I will always try my very best to make it work. I trust that if I keep trying one day I will be right where I want to be.

Looking back, my life working as a mas stewardess was the start of my career and one of the best working experience I ever had. I failed the interview twice but on my third attempt, finally I was in! I still remember how excited I was finally starting my career as a cabin crew. The feeling was extraordinary. When a goal is completed, the feeling you get is so great. An achievement and I never thought I would be where I was. So today, I believe I would make it into my dream airline. Hopefully in 2017. But I will not give up trying. NEVER.

So to the people who can't see my passion and ambition or even my life goals. You don't deserve an amazing woman like me. Though my feelings will still remain for you, but you have deeply disappointed me and I don't think I can ever live with myself if I don't prove you wrong. I'm persistent in the things I want and I aim for it. You just reignite the fire in me and oh god damn it is burning so much so it can burn down the entire country! I will prove it to you and everyone who doesn't think I could achieve it. I will.

In the area of relationships,
I've told myself so many times, one after another guy that this will be my last. I always dreamt of having a long lasting relationship. Being with someone who makes me so happy and overwhelmed is just the cherry on top of an ice cream! And when I date someone I considered and think through it before I actually say yes because I want the certain someone to be my last date and my forever person. I always known how I felt without a doubt and I wondered how some people can be confused with their own feelings? Dating another new person is so exhausting especially when you have to get to know a person all over again. Sigh. Yet again,There's so much more in life for me to look forward to. So much more people for me to meet if this relationship didn't work out. Of course there is always opportunities. Nonetheless, me being me, stubborn like a bull, when I fall hard it takes a long time for me to move on. So I'm guessing this is going to take me a year or two to finally let go. But I won't give up either! I'm a good catch and I know that. Someday I will find a man who will be so entirely fond of me. As much as I wish it was him, I no longer dare to hope or dream of anything to be with him after he said those words. Nope not gonna let my heart get shattered  again as it already is. Its proven he doesn't want me in his life but hey its ok :) I do believe when you love someone, they don't have to be with you nor do you have to force things to work out. I will continuously love him the way I always did and wish him all the best. Silently love him and admire him from afar is the least I could do. I will always be there supporting him and being ready to talk to him as and when he needed me even though he isn't treating me the way I am to him. But really, its okay! I believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated, maybe he doesn't but the next one might! Not gonna be despair by the little challenges in life! At least I had the opportunity to be with him before, I'm satisfied and contented and I will cherish those memories while waiting for my next knight in shining armour to appear and swoop me off my feet into the next adventure of my life.

For the time being while this silent mission is going on, I'm going to focus on myself and love my life even more. Good things are coming! I just know it :)

Signing off!
xx