Advice me ladies

Is it just me? Or I have issues?

The thing is.. can someone tell this confused kid here how these relationship games work now? I'm pretty messed up here.. Only 21 but I think I've dated quite a number of jerks until I couldn't differentiate among the good and bad ones.. My relationships are no longer then 7months so it's either me who is doing something wrong or guys are plain arseholes.. The only relationships I've been in is guys telling me they love me in the first 2 weeks or month we've been seeing each other and then popped the question for me to be his girlfriend.. So I tend to rush into relationships now.. being impatient when a guy doesn't do as what my perception about how a relationship should be like... gosh.. how do I fix that?

And how can you tell if someone is really into you or not? Is it bad if you feel like the guy isn't really into you and you want to push him away? I just repulse on everything that I think rejects me / not really into me or when I don't feel the love or when I don't get treated the way I wanted to.. To be honest I get afraid and I would just push push PUSH it away to protect myself from all the hurt.. And also cause I don't wanna go through all this bullshit again.. when it happened before there will always be a scar there.. it will fade over time yes, but it takes a heap loads of time for the scar to fade away..
So the memories kind of lingers in your head for awhile and it's like an automated self protection thing to just push the red flag signs away..


And there goes my two loving sisters from another mother worrying about me hoping I will not get hurt by another expat..  they advised me yesterday night and truth be told I knew all of it in my heart.. but there's just that one part in me that would still like to believe in the little 1% possibility of a fairytale that might happen.. I don't want to stop believing that there's someone out there who will be so so crazy about you.. that's wants to know everything about you ... that wouldn't let you cry and wait... I've always been the one waiting so helplessly like a fool and that when someone wants me to wait again my brain says " Hell no!" But I wait anyways.. pathetic right? But like the saying goes.. love is blind... blinds me as though my eyeballs are no longer attached to my eyes! So conclusion is I'm in a state of self denial cause I know the facts, I know what would probably happen, I can tell if something is fishy, I know and I can just tell if we are going to work out ( I think my predictions and jinx are pretty accurate :D just saying, my six senses are working so fine I wish it can lie to me too)  and I know what I should do,  I know for the fact that if I don't get the treatment I deserve or if it's just that tiny part of me that doesn't feel happy cause he isn't treating me the way I want to I should reject.. I know all of this but it is the execution part which is hard.. and then I lie to myself again thinking that there might be someone who is different.. self denial!!!

So how now?
I'm so bad in handling relationships.. or how I should slow down and not over react.. or how I shouldn't chase the good ones away? Not all girls like the bad boys! Or what should I even do now?

Gosh....
To think for the fact that when I finally met a really good guy and he has to fly away 1000000 miles away from me.. but to my surprise he wanted to try the long distance thing.. that's really new to me and it's scary.. scariest feeling ever is not knowing what you're stepping in to... and when I get scared I just wanna push it away again and hide! Run away to another country ... yes I have social anxiety.. my confident sexy face is just a mask that hides all the insecurities and stupid thoughts.. I'm shy and I'm not confident.. my make up is my shield to make me feel confident .. yes I think I'm a phsycopath xD SO HOW NOW BROWN COW?! what should I do?! Where can I find a man that won't get tired of my bullshit.. Where can I find a man who will make me feel safe again?! How can I stop my eyes from crying cause I'm tired of myself crying !! Feeling lost clueless confused.. my career wise is a mess too.. so uncertain of the directions I'm going to now and it's scary !! Can someone hold my hand and guide me? I'm so tired of pretending I'm strong when I'm weak as f**k!! Ahhhhhhhhgggghhh ...
For goodness sake take my hand and guide me! Sigh ...

All these thoughts are driving me cray cray so I'm going to stop thinking and sign off!
Jeez I've been hiding under the covers for over an hour!
Time to get up!

The emotional turbulence of a crush.

What do you do when you messed up?
It feels like everything I do is messed up..
So messed up until I chased away the one thing that made me smile like no other can.. the one that gives me warmth when I wake up next to him.. the one person that gives me fireworks in my stomach when our lips touch..

Being miles and miles apart this insecurity and fear strikes me so hard again.. the emotions comes flooding in and then BOOM! I fucked up again...

Can someone pull me out from this pool I'm drowning in? I just wanna feel free again.. I just wanna be with someone with no fear whatsoever.. can someone actually see that I'm trying my very best to get out of it? Please reach out and grab me out from this pool I'm drowning in.. please god, send me someone patient enough to deal with me.. cause I'm starting to feel all so small again..

But well I guess u can't take back what you said and there's nothing much I can do about it anymore.. Just go with the flow and hope for the best! I believe if I'm really worth it somebody someday will come back and continue an adventure with me.. As much as I hope for a miracle to happen.. somethings are just meant to be and meant to happen for a reason... Learn from the mistakes Melanie and grow up! Everyday is a learning process and like my tattoo tells me everyday.. "Never give up" . Some people are meant to be in your life for a reason, to teach you a lesson, some is a blessing for sure.. A blessing in disguise maybe? Trying to stay positive and looking forward for whatever ahead of me!



Stay strong Melanie!
Signing off :)

And the adventures begins..

My cheesy pick up line on tinder says;
" Let's go on an adventure together aye? ;)"
He said, " let's do it! "
I wasn't so convinced at first but I said ok anyways and never did regretted it.

So the adventures begins....
Here's how it started..

He's sweet, He's a gentleman, he's another scary dream that seems too good to be true. But I like it anyways.. Honestly which girl wouldn't fall for such a charming guy? It isn't always about the looks or the money after all.. All it takes is good manners and the way he treats a lady.. No doubt he's doing it right.. For all I knew, girls kept sticking to him.. Hence the nightmare..

Of course from my past, I have major issues with my men with other girls.. The fear stucks to my brain like super glue and the anxiety strikes so often that I'm afraid to step in so I kept pushing the one thing that finally seems right in my life again.. the one thing that puts butterflies in my stomach.. the one guy that makes me smile but also scares me to death.. the fear of getting hurt or dumped again seems to haunt me.. But he seems to be so attracted somehow and doesn't seem like he was going to leave.. so I took the leap of faith to try.. maybe we could go somewhere.. This time round seems so different.. feels exciting.. anticipating on what we will go through.. He was so fun to be with I didn't really wanna let go..But the fact that the sparks will wear out some day bothers me..and True enough if you don't let go of the past, you'll bring the past along with you.. our relationship hit downfall on the 2nd month.. not surprising after all.. as It was imprinted in my brain that men is going to cheat and that feelings won't last forever.. Dissapointing but not surprised.. was so upset but at the same time I couldn't really feel the pain cause I'm probably used to it.. Again tears shed down.. and I just didn't wanna hope or believe again..

But then being me, I didn't wanna give up... I somehow still choose to believe that there is good in everyone.. everybody makes mistakes and I'm not any better than he is.. The reason why he did it was unclear but I guess some thing's are better left unsaid.. and so I chose to forgive despite the people around me calling me an idiot for doing that.. the saying goes once a cheater is always a cheater.. but does it count for a person who did it the first time probably out of curiousity? Who really knows? There was just something so charming about him I didn't wanna let go.. there was this curiousity in me wanting to know what happens next if I gave him another chance? There is still something in me that wants to prove myself and my thoughts  wrong all this while.. And I really hope someone could prove it to me.. There is still hope in relationships and there is someone to grow old with in this world..Call me naive but  I choose to forgive.. In this short period ,  surprisingly he's taught me to learn how to love myself more, guides me to grow up, teaches me to control my emotions better, making me responsible and because of that , the more I want to stick around him to see where we would go.

I mean where in the world to find such a guy who brings out the best in you, supports you and who's so patient with me being a bitch? So far in a 1000 he's one of the ones you hardly meet.. and I have never felt so comfortable being around someone in a long long while.. So once you forgive a person, the next thing you would do is to change and let things be it's way.. whatever that is meant to be will be.. I'm trying my best to not overthink and brush things aside.. taking things easy as it's still a long way more for me in life.. Thoughts of him doing it again haunts me but I guess when you choose to forgive someone you have to trust them again...Relationships are never easy..it's not just about the feelings but whether you want to make it work and commit... Eventhough I don't  know what we are now, we've never really talked about it after the arguments and confusions about the dating terms.. and the fact that he's going back to his motherland , where would this leads us? No one can really answer.. But what I know is I'm happy being around him, I like this guy and Its the best thing that happened to me in a while.. I would say a blessing in disguise..My backbone at this very moment..And this is a start of an adventure I would wanna go on with him  and see where we would be in future..

Sometimes things happens for a reason.. to make us stronger maybe.. or just an obstacle to see if we can make It through.. For all I know, Things are great now and I am appreciating the time I have with him.. I feel liberated and happy again! I thank god everyday for every blessing in my life that teaches me and guides me through life lessons.. Going on holiday trips with him is a bliss.. Little surprises from him makes my heart tingles..Waking up next to him makes my day.. The best thing is that when he stares into my eyes complimenting me everyday even when I'm not in my very best shape makes me feel warm in every way.. Finally someone can accept me for who I am and appreciates me for being alive in this world.. I'm truly blessed and I can never ask for more...

So here goes our little adventure together! Let's hope the next blog post will be a good one too!
Signing off! Xoxo!