Today waking up in Qing dao, nearly 10000miles away from home base, staring at the walls when I woke up.. I had the urge to blog after thinking of all the unnecessary crap that was running wild in my coconut head... All of this thoughts slipped into me after reading a post from some dude that went viral for posting some nudity crap online and was trying to bail out of it.. And he dumped the girl he was with in the video.. Well basically he was trying to explain himself and it hit me.. Like what if my ex had a different story too? Anyways in case you're wondering u can read the article here ( http://www.worldofbuzz.com/notorious-alvin-tan-explains-side-story-left-vivian-face-jail-alone/)
Back to my story, it struck me; why didn't we be friends like how we agreed to after the break up? What made us so sour n bitter? What was he offended about in our last conversation when I was just trying to be direct to get debts settled and move on? I was so confused! I wasn't rude tho.. But somehow he took it the wrong way and we ended up blocking each other on social media and now we only can contact through email..
And after all this, I always put the blame on him like he's a total Arse, he's a liar, he pushed me all the way to Singapore n left me there in a place I didn't wanna be in.. And I blamed him for being selfish despite his good will to help me get to a better place then my own country where I earn double the money but still it wasn't where I wanted to be.. I mean yes he wanted to help me but he didn't stand on my side and think about where I wanted to be.. And if he wanted to leave me initially Why did he stop me from chasing my dreams and put me in another place I didn't want to? And there was so many other things that happened in that few months after we broke up ( I still think he's an Arse even after I wrote this paragraph *roll eyes* )
But then it hit me, like what if he had his own side of the story and it's the total opposite from mine? Oh gosh this just gets more and more complicating as I go on..
He was the first guy I ever dated that was so legit I wanted it to work out.. It started out with me just trying out when he wanted the relationship so badly and weirdly it ended the opposite.. He was the kind of fairytale guy where he grants u with all the things and experience you never expected owning or living with ever! I felt so over the moon like some rich bitch that don't have to ever worry about money ever! He was good and charming, loving, kind and bla bla the list goes on.. He helped me so much in so many ways no doubt and I am so grateful and I appreciate it in every single way.. But Things just got carried away in the end.. When I had trouble with work and all the negativity started to flood my mind I became such a negative aura and I lost the passion I had in my job.. The company was in bad shape and with all the corruption going on in the country it was just so negative.. I became a dull soul just trying to pass life as it is.. And I guess he felt it too.. He did mention I wasn't the same as when he met me.. I was depressed solely depending on him I had no backbone and now to think of it I actually contributed to my break up.. It was my fault too..
I quit my job and was jobless for a month.. He works from home so basically I see him all day n night... I was such a lifeless bitch I didn't even go out with anyone and I dedicated all my time to him.. I cooked and cleaned and then he plays his PS4 while I watch my movies .. It became a pattern that we lost all sparks and excitement that a dating couple was suppose to feel.. I dragged him down with my negativity.. This was definitely one of the reasons he repelled from me.. And then there was Christmas that came along, he went back to the UK; I started hanging out with my friends again since he wasn't around.. I guess it was time away from each other before I left to Singapore for my new job.. And it was a good thing he didn't bring me back to the UK with him.. I would just be some clingy bitch that can never stand up again..looking back now I was a horrible person with no soul.. All relying on him.. That's when alvins post I shared up there hit me so hard.. I was invading his space , I didn't give him air to breathe and he tolerated this crap for a month plus..not only that he couldn't even go anywhere to avoid seeing me as I was living with him.. And I would've felt weird if he were to do things without me .. He did wanted to have drinks alone with his friends but I insisted to come.. And when he didn't wanna bring me I would say why didn't he wanna bring me out with his friends anymore? Alvins blog post was somehow reflecting on me too!! Gosh I'm such an idiot..
I totally lost it.. I couldn't even think for myself.. I couldn't even make a decision for myself.. I lost my entire soul to him.. I wasn't the Melanie I used to be..it was really just not his mistake entirely but mine too.. I think I contributed more mistakes then he did.. How love can make u so blind and drag u down to hell without even realising..Nonetheless it's over now.. I guess we just forgive and forget; Learn from it and move on.
So there it is.. Case solved.. I got my answer to the question of why didn't we work out when things seemed so perfectly good.. It was good to me cause it became a daily pattern I was so accustomed to him and to him maybe it was the opposite... There was love but it died when I lost myself in between.. So thank you alvin for a good post that kinda woke me up!
And today I'm glad we didn't work out anyways..I'm learning to love myself again and to concentrate on what I want in life.. Finding back the person I used to be.. I'm starting to feel the joy I lost in me and feel the passion I had in me again.. my confidence is back as I'm able to social with so many people and flirt around haha I definitely love myself more and I've grown to be a much stronger person.. And I know I don't need to depend on a man for a good life cause being single is fabulous too! Having a man around that loves u is a privilege/ a bonus. But not someone u have to depend on and throw him your entire life and make him be responsible over your life.. A bf doesn't owe u anything but he's more to a companion.. You will just turn out to be a lazy woman with no passion, soul or attitude who just wants life to pass as it is and Let a man make life decisions for u.. But where's the fun in life then?? You might as well be a barbie doll or a plush toy and he's your owner who takes care of u..I've experienced being this kinda woman and I don't think I want to ever drown in this feeling ever again!!! There was just no sparks in my own life too.. Not even a single excitement when I wake up.. That feeling sucks!!
So Overall it was a great lesson to learn.. So thank you mr.D for this life changing experience.. You'll never come across this post ever but maybe when u die one day and u go to heaven and God reveals it to u then you'll know ;) or maybe somehow someone from somewhere shows it to you haha. I still hope one day you'll realise I'm not a crazy nutcase then we could still be friends..
That's all for today guys!
Signing off!
Xx
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