Advice me ladies

Is it just me? Or I have issues?

The thing is.. can someone tell this confused kid here how these relationship games work now? I'm pretty messed up here.. Only 21 but I think I've dated quite a number of jerks until I couldn't differentiate among the good and bad ones.. My relationships are no longer then 7months so it's either me who is doing something wrong or guys are plain arseholes.. The only relationships I've been in is guys telling me they love me in the first 2 weeks or month we've been seeing each other and then popped the question for me to be his girlfriend.. So I tend to rush into relationships now.. being impatient when a guy doesn't do as what my perception about how a relationship should be like... gosh.. how do I fix that?

And how can you tell if someone is really into you or not? Is it bad if you feel like the guy isn't really into you and you want to push him away? I just repulse on everything that I think rejects me / not really into me or when I don't feel the love or when I don't get treated the way I wanted to.. To be honest I get afraid and I would just push push PUSH it away to protect myself from all the hurt.. And also cause I don't wanna go through all this bullshit again.. when it happened before there will always be a scar there.. it will fade over time yes, but it takes a heap loads of time for the scar to fade away..
So the memories kind of lingers in your head for awhile and it's like an automated self protection thing to just push the red flag signs away..


And there goes my two loving sisters from another mother worrying about me hoping I will not get hurt by another expat..  they advised me yesterday night and truth be told I knew all of it in my heart.. but there's just that one part in me that would still like to believe in the little 1% possibility of a fairytale that might happen.. I don't want to stop believing that there's someone out there who will be so so crazy about you.. that's wants to know everything about you ... that wouldn't let you cry and wait... I've always been the one waiting so helplessly like a fool and that when someone wants me to wait again my brain says " Hell no!" But I wait anyways.. pathetic right? But like the saying goes.. love is blind... blinds me as though my eyeballs are no longer attached to my eyes! So conclusion is I'm in a state of self denial cause I know the facts, I know what would probably happen, I can tell if something is fishy, I know and I can just tell if we are going to work out ( I think my predictions and jinx are pretty accurate :D just saying, my six senses are working so fine I wish it can lie to me too)  and I know what I should do,  I know for the fact that if I don't get the treatment I deserve or if it's just that tiny part of me that doesn't feel happy cause he isn't treating me the way I want to I should reject.. I know all of this but it is the execution part which is hard.. and then I lie to myself again thinking that there might be someone who is different.. self denial!!!

So how now?
I'm so bad in handling relationships.. or how I should slow down and not over react.. or how I shouldn't chase the good ones away? Not all girls like the bad boys! Or what should I even do now?

Gosh....
To think for the fact that when I finally met a really good guy and he has to fly away 1000000 miles away from me.. but to my surprise he wanted to try the long distance thing.. that's really new to me and it's scary.. scariest feeling ever is not knowing what you're stepping in to... and when I get scared I just wanna push it away again and hide! Run away to another country ... yes I have social anxiety.. my confident sexy face is just a mask that hides all the insecurities and stupid thoughts.. I'm shy and I'm not confident.. my make up is my shield to make me feel confident .. yes I think I'm a phsycopath xD SO HOW NOW BROWN COW?! what should I do?! Where can I find a man that won't get tired of my bullshit.. Where can I find a man who will make me feel safe again?! How can I stop my eyes from crying cause I'm tired of myself crying !! Feeling lost clueless confused.. my career wise is a mess too.. so uncertain of the directions I'm going to now and it's scary !! Can someone hold my hand and guide me? I'm so tired of pretending I'm strong when I'm weak as f**k!! Ahhhhhhhhgggghhh ...
For goodness sake take my hand and guide me! Sigh ...

All these thoughts are driving me cray cray so I'm going to stop thinking and sign off!
Jeez I've been hiding under the covers for over an hour!
Time to get up!